Open That Can Of Worms
"Are you sure you wanna open up that can of worms?" they asked.
"Yes," I affirmed, feeling the weight of my decision. The quest for truth, or at least its closest semblance, was paramount.
I'd requested a list of documents spanning seven years—police reports, case files, and assorted forms from a myriad of caseworkers.
My early years were tumultuous, to put it mildly. While many memories from that time are hazy, certain fragments remain vivid. The chaos of those years undeniably left its mark on my nervous system.
Fast forward to my early twenties. The world was grappling with the onset of COVID, and I had just embarked on a therapeutic journey with a new counsellor, exploring the realm of Somatic Experiencing (SE).
When first asked about traumatic experiences, I initially dismissed the notion. In my mind, trauma was reserved for war veterans or victims of heinous crimes. I was reluctant to label my past as anything more than "challenging."
The initial phase of therapy focused on re-establishing a connection with my body. I believed I was adept at managing my emotions, but in truth, I was merely sidestepping them, intellectualizing my experiences to appease my ego.
So disconnected was I from my inner world that when my therapist posed the question, "How did that affect you?" I defaulted to my habitual narrative of prioritizing others' feelings over my own. She persisted, "How did it affect YOU?"
That's when the realization struck—I had been neglecting my own emotional well-being. Was I even permitted to acknowledge the weight of my past? To admit the sheer exhaustion of bearing it all?
Reflecting on this now, I recognize a profound shift within me. I'm more attuned to my inner experiences. While there's still healing to be done, especially for my nervous system, I've cultivated the tools to support myself and navigate overwhelming emotions.
True healing begins with self-honesty. For me, that meant confronting numerous truths, some of which I'm still grappling with. So, when faced with the question, "Do you really want to unearth those buried issues?" I'd urge you to say yes.
Ignoring past traumas won't make them vanish. Masking them is but a temporary fix. To truly transform your inner landscape, you must confront your past head-on. The silver lining? You don't have to face it alone—and perhaps, you shouldn't.
Are you prepared to traverse your inner terrain, to cultivate a life worthy of your aspirations? To confront your past and reopen your heart? To tackle those unresolved issues?
I firmly believe that to mend the world, we must first heal ourselves. Embrace this journey as both a sacred privilege and duty.
With warmth,
Matthew Mann, The Sovereign Alchemist
