How Did I go from Dedicated Christian to Mystic Tarot Reader?

For those who know me, it’s no surprise my faith and spirituality was once deeply committed to the Christian perspective. To this day, I still say “Amen” and “Mercy” as a default response to countless situations. There is much in Christianity that I love and believe to be the true; however, I now believe God to be too big for any one perspective to hold, and no Being as powerful as the Creator can be limited to one source of wisdom.

I remember being in my undergrad, wrestling with one spiritual concept or another. And I remember what came through to me. “To be in relationship to Christ means to be in relationship to Truth.” I started to see deeper layers of truth, and the way truth can be manipulated. I firmly believe that truth welcomes the curious, is willing to be engaged by skeptics, and welcomes concepts that flip the standard way of though on its head.

I had these realizations while also finding myself cycling through layers of deconstruction. The grip of Adventism was still strong on me, and I allowed myself to say in it’s grasp because I hadn’t yet developed the inner strength required to walk away from my people pleasing tendencies. Walking away from The Church was like walking away from my tribe, and my community. Although I had this deep inner knowing that that was what I was being called to do - to enter the unknown and embrace the mystery.

When I finally made the cross through that threshold, an identity crisis was awaiting for me. So much of my identity was based on the Adventist Christian perspective, and now, the foundations of what had been my spiritual perspective had crumbled. I was angry at God and the church for some time. Feeling like I had been deceived, taken advantage of, and manipulated. But the string attatching me to God was still present. And now, it felt like I had to get to know the Divine from a completely new perspective.

Something that was later revealed to me is this. If God recognizes that we are pursuing a spiritual path that leads us away from Him, He will stop us, and turn things around. For me, growing up Christian gave me the spiritual framework and lens to go deep into spiritual principles and explore God and the divine in a structured way. But as I was progressing, I see now it would have lead me into dogma and ego-based theology. And soon, it felt like God’s presence wasn’t as easily accessible to me as I had once known. No matter how hard I tried; to learn more, to study more, to “fix” the perspectives within myself or correct my theological misconceptions, God wasn’t revealing Himself to me in the way I had expected.

It wasn’t until I reached a point of frustration where I acknowledged to myself that I had to have been going the wrong way. God isn’t found through correct theology and doesn’t care what you judge to be the “correct or incorrect” beliefs. He cares about your presence. He cares about your transformation. He cares about your willingness to engage with Him and with life.

When I reach the point of letting go of my Christian Identity in order to find God - I didn’t know what to call myself. I was deeply spiritual but with no way to describe my beliefs or experiences. It was chance, many months later, that I connected with a Druid who lived in the UK named Si. I looked through his account and the wisdom, insight, and the perspectives he was sharing were so clearly in alignment with the ways in which God had revealed himself to me. But when I found out he was a Tarot reader, I felt my chest tighten and feel like I had to disconnect from him completely.

But my intuition and inner sense of knowing wouldn’t let me. To Christians I would say this is the Holy Spirit, but many have quite a reaction when I say that lol. By I was guided to watch Si do a live reading on his Instagram and I was feeling a strong pull towards it. Not the type of pull that you should be wary of, but the type of pull that said “This is for you. Stop resisting and allow yourself to surrendering into what you already know.” His readings were done on Instagram live and were by donation only, so I signed up, put in a donation and asked him my question. I then prayed and said “Jesus, if I’m being dumb and opening a portal to demons, don’t let this work. But if this is true, let it be revealed to me.”

I don’t remember exactly what I asked, but I remember the feeling. It was a new level of being completely seen and heard. He talked for about 10 minutes, and everything he shared just landed so perfectly. He described the transition I was going though, what it was calling me to step into. He mentioned my resistance and the inner negotiation needed in order to come through this phase. His wisdom landed so perfectly, and after the reading, I was just so in awe of what had transpired in just a short time. It felt healing, it gave me clarity, and I felt this feeling of being both loved and empowered.

Many different thing were unfolding around this time. I was doing my Masters degree in counselling, I was just recently promoted at work, and the possibility of moving to the UK was unfolding. It wasn’t until many months later did I get my own tarot deck, and little did I know at the time just how powerful of a tool this would have become for me.

The tarot has helped me get closer with myself, and with God. It has helped me become more confident, has helped me dig deeper in myself, and has continuously pushed the edges of my awareness so that I can become who I want to become.

To any Christians reading this who had the same view I once had. No, tarot is not a portal to the demonic. It’s simply a mirror. The cards mirror our psyche’s back to us. And what you label as “demonic” might actually be an invitation to meet a part of yourself that desperately needs your attention. And if you’re interested in a tarot reading but are a bit nervous, I totally understand. I start all my readings either before the session or with the client, in prayer: “Help me serve, in truth, in love, in wisdom. May the words I speak and the cards I pull bring us closer to our Highest Selves and The Divine. As it is said, so it be done. Amen”